The Comic Shop Presents: Discarded Quotes from Mothers’ Day Cards that Were Never Printed

We are Smallmark, the premier card shop that nobody asked for in this day and age of digital cards. On this Mother’s Day, we want to remind you of all the things you want to say to your mother but probably haven’t yet. We get it. Those Instastories don’t watch themselves and how else will your crush know that you’re watching him/her/them? We couldn’t afford the paper or the ink to print these cards, because apparently we now care about the amount of paper in the environment and toxins in printer ink (boy are times changing, amirite?) Also, according to our “creative experts,” there are some things that don’t need saying, and these quotes reflect some of those things. But who needs experts? Not us. So, for all of you who are late to the Mother’s Day party, here are some quotes from our best non-selling cards to really light up your mother’s day, like you’ve done every day since you moved back home in March 2021.

“Dear Mom, Wanted to really see your eyes light up. Here’s my student loan bill and credit card statement. Please return card with check.” – love you!

Bet you wish you had access to sex education and used a condom right about now.”

“Your voicemails rock me to sleep like a baby. You are my favorite podcast.” - Happy Mothers Day

To Mom With Love – “Sending you this card instead of accepting your Facebook friend request. 🥰😳🤗🤪 “ Happy Mothers Day!

“There’s no mother as beautiful or kind as you. Except for Beyoncé. Or the neighbor’s mom with the cookies. But you’re nice too.”

“Thanks for always picking me up when I was down and paying for my therapy bills when it was you who got me there.”

“You’re always in my heart, just like the cholesterol from your pot roasts and the heartburn from your chili.”

“Mom, you should have been an octopus because you are always juggling at least 8 things at once and always suctioned to me.

“Mom, if I’m the apple of your eye, you’re the bee stinging my behind.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, how long am I supposed to wash my hands, Mom? I just want to ditch the mask and hug you.

Editor’s Note: Sara is a researcher, public policy advisor, educator, writer, and comedian based in New York City. Sara currently works for the New York City Department of Education as the lead researcher and data strategist for teacher recognition programs. She is a Ph.D. candidate in Politics & Education at Teachers College, Columbia University, and holds a Master of Philosophy in Education from the University of Cambridge and a B.A. in Political Economy and English from Tulane University. Her creative nonfiction short stories have appeared in Arkansas Review: A Journal of Delta Studies, American Chordata, and The Merrimack Review.

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